YOU KNOW YOU'RE
DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . .
- Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You speed walk in your sleep.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
using the timer.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse
and you don't even work there.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- All your kids are named "Joe."
- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet &
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy milk by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick
it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
- People can test their batteries in your ears.
- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good
to the last drop."
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew"
to mean beer.
- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
- Your Thermos is on wheels.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You have a conniption over spilled milk.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You don't get mad, you get steamed.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
- You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.
Stolen from Jim
THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, May 29, 1995.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED
10. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration
9. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the
sound of your chattering teeth
8. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz
7. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso"
6. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and
you don't even have your car
5. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee
with Folgers Crystals
4. You wake up in middle of the night screaming "Pepsi!
For the love of God, I need Pepsi!"
3. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick
the TV screen
2. You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears
like our stage manager Biff Henderson (shot of Biff spitting coffee
out of ears)
1. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night